So, I'm doing a residency at the Vermont Studio Center for the next month. Ostensibly, I'll be doing some "real" writing. Please, please, please take Mary out for burritos. She needs them like hemophiliacs need blood transfusions.
Mary will be accepting applications for Cortney proxies.
Requirements:
1. You must like Mary.
2. You must not throw up after eating burritos. You don't have to love burritos, you just have to tolerate them.
3. You must be up for any burrito-related adventure, good or bad.
4. You must be willing to review wherever Mary makes you eat. You can be completely subjective, have completely arbitrary criteria, or be copmpletely scattered about it, but you gotta write something.
28 September 2008
I left food on my plate.
How often do I walk away from an unfished meal? Yeah, that was one fast roach. It SUPER-SCUTTLED.
My veggie burrito was actually pretty good, until the question of whether or not it would give me a disease came up. And I asked for no onions and got big honkin' onions that looked a lot like shredded lettuce, so they fooled me into eating a few of them...
The most interesting picture at this place was a painitng of a deer family standing around on snow-covered hills.
Speaking of pictures, this place was so dark inside, Mary's pictures came out all Twilight Zone-esque.
Although she smiled once, the woman who took our orders obviously hated us. She brought our burritos to the table one...at...a...time. And she had two hands, so no excuses there.
This place was a total failure. A total disappointment. A wash, a waste, a catastrophe. And really funny, if you like dark comedies.
My veggie burrito was actually pretty good, until the question of whether or not it would give me a disease came up. And I asked for no onions and got big honkin' onions that looked a lot like shredded lettuce, so they fooled me into eating a few of them...
The most interesting picture at this place was a painitng of a deer family standing around on snow-covered hills.
Speaking of pictures, this place was so dark inside, Mary's pictures came out all Twilight Zone-esque.
Although she smiled once, the woman who took our orders obviously hated us. She brought our burritos to the table one...at...a...time. And she had two hands, so no excuses there.
This place was a total failure. A total disappointment. A wash, a waste, a catastrophe. And really funny, if you like dark comedies.
19 September 2008
More proof!
Isn't life great? This was the receipt for our combined meals at La Cazuela.
La Cazuela was the place that had hand-drawn Jesus crying blood into a cup. It's important to keep track of these things.
Mary got mad last night because I saw a picture of a dog in a Civil War uniform in a shop window and I wanted her to look at it. She had to pee. I went before I left. You know how that goes.
Proof!
Mary likes proof. I like to try to figure out how my scanner works.
Here are the receipts from our lovely meal at Cuetzala. As a refresher, Cuetzala was the place with the horses-with-butterfly-wings picture.
Look, Mom, this is how I spent my unemployment check.
La Cazuela, that place on Clark and Morse
The red-awning place that Mary couldn't recall the name of was, in fact, La Cazuela.
Pros:
1. The secluded backyard garden setting made me want to be on a romantic date (sorry Mary).
2. The hand-drawn picture of Jesus crying blood tears into a cup.
3. The open-faced tacos reminded me of Taco el Jalisience in Humboldt Park at the corner of Grand and Chicago. Note to burrito places on Clark: As far as I'm concerned, you are all competing with Taco el Jalisience, which takes up a huge place in my heart. So huge, I may not ever be able to find a romantic date to eat with in previously mentioned garden.
4. The funny, homey touches that made the garden feel like a backyard. Like the grill, the trampoline, the neighbor's crap.
5. The pitcher of water our lovely server brought to us without prompting.
6. Fresh cilantro.
7. Did Mary mention how cheap this place was? Seriously, we are broke. La Cazuela fed me hugely for under $5.
Cons:
1. That orange soupy stuff was NOT salsa. I don't know what it was, but it was gross.
2. No avocados on those tacos (or Mary's burrito) although there was a huge bowl of ripe avocados on the counter when we came in. Hmmm...
3. The plastic cups smelled weird, like plastic cups are wont to do when they get older and have been washed for years with Mexican food debris.
Pros:
1. The secluded backyard garden setting made me want to be on a romantic date (sorry Mary).
2. The hand-drawn picture of Jesus crying blood tears into a cup.
3. The open-faced tacos reminded me of Taco el Jalisience in Humboldt Park at the corner of Grand and Chicago. Note to burrito places on Clark: As far as I'm concerned, you are all competing with Taco el Jalisience, which takes up a huge place in my heart. So huge, I may not ever be able to find a romantic date to eat with in previously mentioned garden.
4. The funny, homey touches that made the garden feel like a backyard. Like the grill, the trampoline, the neighbor's crap.
5. The pitcher of water our lovely server brought to us without prompting.
6. Fresh cilantro.
7. Did Mary mention how cheap this place was? Seriously, we are broke. La Cazuela fed me hugely for under $5.
Cons:
1. That orange soupy stuff was NOT salsa. I don't know what it was, but it was gross.
2. No avocados on those tacos (or Mary's burrito) although there was a huge bowl of ripe avocados on the counter when we came in. Hmmm...
3. The plastic cups smelled weird, like plastic cups are wont to do when they get older and have been washed for years with Mexican food debris.
16 September 2008
Fabulous drink recipe
So, I'm sick. (Thanks, Mary, for getting all touchy-feely with my food.) And when I'm sick, I like to fight germs the Wild West way. You know, with booze.
This drink recipe goes really well with a frozen Target tamale or an Amy's frozen burrito.
You will need:
Three ice cubes (or whatever)
A liberal splash of coconut rum
Limeade (NOT lemonade!) from frozen concentrate
Put them in the same glass, in that order. Drink!
It's a poor woman's Margarita, and it makes your Walgreen's brand Anefrin nasal spray nice and tangy going down. If you can get an A & W frosty mug and a carhop to serve it to you, I'm coming over to your house.
This drink recipe goes really well with a frozen Target tamale or an Amy's frozen burrito.
You will need:
Three ice cubes (or whatever)
A liberal splash of coconut rum
Limeade (NOT lemonade!) from frozen concentrate
Put them in the same glass, in that order. Drink!
It's a poor woman's Margarita, and it makes your Walgreen's brand Anefrin nasal spray nice and tangy going down. If you can get an A & W frosty mug and a carhop to serve it to you, I'm coming over to your house.
The other burrito eater
I think we should make friends with burritoblog guy. He IS good-looking...
Seriously, we could trade links, share funny Flash Taco stories, provide guest commentary on each others' blogs. It would be a fantastic working relationship. Besides, he's just as picky about his burritos as Mary. He doesn't like tomatoes, asks for egg, etc.
Or we could make fun of him behind his back. I mean, who doesn't like tomatoes? But I vote for friendship in the name of burrito consumption. Burritoship.
Seriously, we could trade links, share funny Flash Taco stories, provide guest commentary on each others' blogs. It would be a fantastic working relationship. Besides, he's just as picky about his burritos as Mary. He doesn't like tomatoes, asks for egg, etc.
Or we could make fun of him behind his back. I mean, who doesn't like tomatoes? But I vote for friendship in the name of burrito consumption. Burritoship.
15 September 2008
Pictures
You can't tell in the pictures, but my t-shirt says "I Heart My Penis." My family calls this my Christmas shirt, because I accidentally wore it to my grandma's nursing home one Christmas for fancy dinner.
I always wear it on special occasions for good luck, now.
I always wear it on special occasions for good luck, now.
14 September 2008
Cuetzala II, or Mary reminded me to blog.
Mary might be able to hold her Mexican Coke, but I can post a blog entry without 17 typos. (You should have seen her first try.)
The bathroom walls were bright pink from the middle up, with white spirals hand painted intermittently. There were also non-functional glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling. My favorite bathroom thingie: the framed picture of two white horses, a mom and baby nuzzling combo…with pastel butterfly wings. Beeeeeeautiful. Seriously.
This place was so charming, I almost forgot that I don’t like burritos much. Mary got angry when I suggested that I order something else off their awesome and elaborate menu. “It’s the first burrito on Clark! You have to get a burrito!” She has a lovely way of saying burrito, with clipped vowels and an emphasis on the t. I sucked it up and ordered my burrito, secretly fantasizing about tacos and other crunchy-shelled delights.
My veggie burrito was pretty good. Crispy on the outside, so it held all the drippy mush in the middle. I could have done without the mushrooms, but the yellow peppers and fresh avocadoes were downright classy. And the plate was pretty. The rice came shaped like the inside of an ice cream scoop.
Our server was so smiley and accommodating and good. I loved her. She didn’t flinch at Suzy’s “lettuce on the side” or Mary’s “no this, that, or the other” or “three separate checks, please.” She was too young to be my mom, but she would make somebody a great mother.
A great place, an above average burrito, a sparkling bathroom, nice tables…not your average taco hut, that’s for darn sure. And it was BYOB.
The bathroom walls were bright pink from the middle up, with white spirals hand painted intermittently. There were also non-functional glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling. My favorite bathroom thingie: the framed picture of two white horses, a mom and baby nuzzling combo…with pastel butterfly wings. Beeeeeeautiful. Seriously.
This place was so charming, I almost forgot that I don’t like burritos much. Mary got angry when I suggested that I order something else off their awesome and elaborate menu. “It’s the first burrito on Clark! You have to get a burrito!” She has a lovely way of saying burrito, with clipped vowels and an emphasis on the t. I sucked it up and ordered my burrito, secretly fantasizing about tacos and other crunchy-shelled delights.
My veggie burrito was pretty good. Crispy on the outside, so it held all the drippy mush in the middle. I could have done without the mushrooms, but the yellow peppers and fresh avocadoes were downright classy. And the plate was pretty. The rice came shaped like the inside of an ice cream scoop.
Our server was so smiley and accommodating and good. I loved her. She didn’t flinch at Suzy’s “lettuce on the side” or Mary’s “no this, that, or the other” or “three separate checks, please.” She was too young to be my mom, but she would make somebody a great mother.
A great place, an above average burrito, a sparkling bathroom, nice tables…not your average taco hut, that’s for darn sure. And it was BYOB.
David Foster Wallace
Mary and I are about to have our first burrito adventure. We would like to dedicate it to David Foster Wallace, who could have written a thousand pages about going out for a burrito, and every single one would have been funny.
Rest peacefully, David Foster Wallace. We will surely talk about you today with our mouths full.
Rest peacefully, David Foster Wallace. We will surely talk about you today with our mouths full.
12 September 2008
Not burritos, but close.
Although the adventure has not officially begun, I want to discuss the tamales I had for breakfast.
So, Target (under the Archer Farms brand) makes these frozen tamales. You can get the meat kind or the cheese kind. And the cheese kind are vegetarian. I always stare daggers at the Tamale Guy because I want a freakin' tamale, but they are traditionally made with lard. So no bar tamales for me. These Target tamales were halfway decent (and came wrapped in real corn husks, which is funny for frozen food). I ate two at 9:30 am and they sat pleasantly and brick-like in my stomach until about 3:30 pm, when I suddenly felt like I might starve to death.
A lovely green chile kick, but no acid stomach burn from hell. I recommend these for the cheese-craving, desperate or cooking-impaired.
Mary had a burrito today at the Museum of Science and Industry. It looked sick. Not slang "sick," which I think means awesome, but gross like bright orange taco meat sick. Her pink lemonade was lovely, though, and only 69 cents.
And on a side note, I saw the future today at the museum, and it was awesome. Like Disney's Tomorrowland, but with no rides and real science.
So, Target (under the Archer Farms brand) makes these frozen tamales. You can get the meat kind or the cheese kind. And the cheese kind are vegetarian. I always stare daggers at the Tamale Guy because I want a freakin' tamale, but they are traditionally made with lard. So no bar tamales for me. These Target tamales were halfway decent (and came wrapped in real corn husks, which is funny for frozen food). I ate two at 9:30 am and they sat pleasantly and brick-like in my stomach until about 3:30 pm, when I suddenly felt like I might starve to death.
A lovely green chile kick, but no acid stomach burn from hell. I recommend these for the cheese-craving, desperate or cooking-impaired.
Mary had a burrito today at the Museum of Science and Industry. It looked sick. Not slang "sick," which I think means awesome, but gross like bright orange taco meat sick. Her pink lemonade was lovely, though, and only 69 cents.
And on a side note, I saw the future today at the museum, and it was awesome. Like Disney's Tomorrowland, but with no rides and real science.
Let the Burritos Begin
Mary loves burritos. Would roll around in them all day if she could.
Cortney is pretty laid back. She's willing to go anywhere, really.
Sunday, September 13, the quest for the best burrito on Clark begins. How will said burritos be evaluated? By completely subjective and ever evolving criteria, that's how.
Mary eats meat. Cortney does not. Cortney has gastritis and takes antacids. Mary could eat and digest a Mack truck, given enough time and the right silverware.
This blog will probably have other random crap in it, too. We're both MFA-ed writers, so it's habit at this point to wax poetic about things like dead birds and rugburn.
On a side note, I had a burrito on Clark today. It was a bland diner burrito. I can't remember the name of the place, though. Good thing we haven't officially started. I would fail. (Or Mary would kill me in a neurotic fit.)
Love,
Cortney
Cortney is pretty laid back. She's willing to go anywhere, really.
Sunday, September 13, the quest for the best burrito on Clark begins. How will said burritos be evaluated? By completely subjective and ever evolving criteria, that's how.
Mary eats meat. Cortney does not. Cortney has gastritis and takes antacids. Mary could eat and digest a Mack truck, given enough time and the right silverware.
This blog will probably have other random crap in it, too. We're both MFA-ed writers, so it's habit at this point to wax poetic about things like dead birds and rugburn.
On a side note, I had a burrito on Clark today. It was a bland diner burrito. I can't remember the name of the place, though. Good thing we haven't officially started. I would fail. (Or Mary would kill me in a neurotic fit.)
Love,
Cortney
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